Healing while grieving
God spoke to me, “write about your pain.” I still did not understand what He meant as the voice continue to exclaim write about your pain. But, A few hours later, I got a call that took my breath away, and made my heart stop. Everything seemed to be drowned out by the words that kept ringing in my ears: “when’s the last time you talked to or saw Kenny?” “Today, Why?” “Baby, I’m sorry, Kenny, died this afternoon”, Oh God, my GatorBear was gone? “Hold up, it’s only 4:39 in the afternoon!” Reality had not set in with me. I hung up and immediately began calling and texting his phone to no avail. I heard myself screaming in my parking lot, “I just talked to you, I just saw you!!!! NO!!!!!! NO!!!!! NOOOOOOOOO!!!!!!! I’m sure it was an awful, ungodly sight, and sound show because of the pain I was in.
It’s just March the 2nd, 2015….
It’s gonna be a Happy, blessed, prosperous, and wonderfully favored New Year!!!! Take a walk with me;
My GatorBear was right there, through it all. Wiping tears, and listening when I talked.
January 31st, 2015; I watched as my friend went into premature labor, and delivered my Godson, Little Jacob Mathis. I watched him take his first breath, and then he was gone.
My GatorBear was right there, through it all; he always put a smile on my face, no matter what was going on, but what was really happening.
Now fast-forward to March….the Shift
March 1st; the beginning of spring….
March 2nd, he was gone….just like that…..I began the process of not eating, not talking, not sleeping, just crying, praying, crying, and more crying. I could barely talk, didn’t want to be around people, couldn’t and wouldn’t write and this had become my daily routine within a matter of hours. I watched as the sun continued to rise and set, sleepless, numb, and wanting to turn back time; I was hurt, and felt alone. It was a time of darkness vs. light; good vs. evil.
I procrastinated when it was time for the “wake”. It was definitely a wake – up, the reality and finality of Kenneth being gone hit me like a ton of bricks, over and over. Shock is what my god-sister described concerning the scene at the funeral home that night. I didn’t sleep that night, however, boldly convincing myself that I would attend the funeral service; alone. That turned out to be a bad idea, because I wanted and needed to be alone. I sat there watching, feeling miserable and lifeless; sitting in that BEAUTIFUL ATOMOSPHERE, a Celebration of LIFE, atthe time I couldn’t SEE the BEAUTY of it all.
Kenneth Simms was what I had prayed for in a man. He came in and was who I referred to as my Boaz, heaven sent from God just for me. I miss him so much, only God knows. God is here. Even now as I write, the tears fall, but I smile through it. I remember the day I told Kenny that I resigned from my job, the look was priceless. I laugh now, but I told him that God told me to trust Him, and that is what I have to do.
People may think that the process may be over after the burial that is soooooo not true. I still have a process to go through, my children, his family and children still have to process that Kenneth is gone. So I “write through my pain” because going through it, allows me to see and hear clearer as I think about all that has happened, but ALL that God has brought me through.
Wednesday night, God said “praise me through your pain.” I continued to sit on the side of my bed a cry silently, I felt like I would explode. God said “praise me through your pain.”
“God!!! My GatorBear is gone!!!!! Tears still falling, chest is tight, fist balled up…..
I heard the voices of those who told me to rejoice, and God said, “You must praise.”
The next thing I heard was “I neeeeed thee ohhhhhh, I need thee! Every hooour I neeed thee, oh bless me now my SAVIOR I COME TO THEEE! Then I began to sing out from the depths of my soul. YEEEEESSSS, YEEEEESSSSS, YESSSSSS YEEEESSSS, LORD.
Now, my praise and worship is on such a different level with God. *******
God said, “My gift to you was Kenneth, the way back to your “First Love.” Look at God! 3 days after Kenneth passed, one of my neighbors said to me “baby, you have to lose something in order to gain something, child give God praise and rejoice.” My thought was “lady my ‘everything’ just died, what the @%^$# is wrong with you?
*John 16: 19-24
As I thought of her words, the words and prayers of other, not just for me, but Kenneth’s children and family as well; truth is, I haven’t totally lost him; he is with me in spirit and forever in my heart. The gaining is that I continue to pursue a closer, more intimate relationship with God. I not only need Him, but I WANT HIM. Crying out to HIM is healing for my soul, praying at all times, never ceasing, praising, dancing and worshipping for my FIRST LOVE. , Kenneth was sent to me for only an appointed time:
Yes, it hurts, but we must Praise God through it; you probably have unanswered questions just like me, but I let the tears fall, full of sadness, but as I began to let go, the praise, worship, peace and joy flows from my soul. Yes, Kenneth and I had big plans, but ours wasn’t GOD’s plan.
God told me, “Write about your pain”, it’s not over, and I’m not done. One day at a time
God told me, “Praise me through your pain”, I do, and I will continue to do so. One day at a time
*Psalms 63: 3-4
We have all some things (jobs, homes, cars, etc.), we have all lost loved ones along this road in life, and Kenneth has been the hardest for me on a different, deeper level. When I do fall asleepat night, I found that I praised and worshipped God until I fell asleep. I currently have no job, rent and other bills are due. I usually can go to Kenneth and say “Bae, I need help”, his response “What you need?”, and it was done. By no means was everything peaches and cream, but we prayed, we argued, but we loved, flaws, imperfections, and all.
From the time Kenneth and I were together, I wanted to become a better woman of God. He told me that I was who God says I am, and there are no limits to what God can do in my life. I learned God’s ways to love unconditionally, uninhibited, and without limits. I also learnedforgiveness, openness, compassion, and trust. I learned to smile again, love again, and know that God has His Hands on me. With Kenneth Simms, I even learned the true meaning of intimacy (without sexual acts).
Now, I have put all my faith and trust in God, my FIRST LOVE. I praise HIM for EVERYTHING HE has done for me and my family. There is power in praising God, there is power in the name of Jesus; HE’s here always waiting, watching, wanting more from us.
I know God, I love God, and I know He Loves me. The very fact that whatever happens in our lives, He already knew. He gives us what we need, right when we need it. He provides, protects, heals, delivers and set free. Give HIM MORE, “write through your pain”. “Praise through your pain”. The tears will come and go, thoughts of what could have been, and many memories of what once was. God chose each us to go through different trials, tribulations, the loss of loved ones, the loss of material things, and other life altering events, but through it all, He gives us strength, His promises is yea and amen. God is waiting…..He knows;
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Written by: God’s Grace
Published with: Inner Faith Wealth Builders !Evangelism
Copyright © 2015